Wow. How to even put into words what we have just been through? As we settle into this world of new parenthood and NICU living I’m finally getting snippets of time to decompress all that has unfolded this week.
On Sunday, Sept, 3rd I went into UW for an induction and started what ended up being a 35 hour labor process. I got to 3cm with the help of a balloon, but stayed at 3cm for over 24 hours (urgh!). I ended up getting an epidural Monday evening which helped me finally get a little rest. The nurses checked me again around 4am on Tuesday and BAM- I was at 10cm. They began notifying everyone and assembling the multiple teams that would be needed at Donovan’s arrival, nurses, doctors, neonatologists, surgeons, Children’s transport team, and so, so many other people.
At 6:37am, after two hours of pushing, praying, and amazing support from Avery, my mom and a whole team of doctors, I finally got to see that sweet, sweet face. He didn’t make a sound because his little lungs just didn’t have the capacity. I got to hold him for maybe 20-30 seconds. Oh man. My heart swells just thinking about that moment. He laid there on my chest and stared so intensely into my eyes. There are no words adequate enough to describe that moment filled with so many emotions; love- intense, unexplainable and overwhelming love for this tiny human. Fear- fear for this little man who is so precious to me to not get very many breaths on this earth. Joy – as Avery and I stare at this little miracle we made. And just like that he was whisked away. Pain. So much pain and ache to see him leave, not knowing if I would get to see those eyes stare at me again. But also hope. A lot of hope and trust that months of endless prayers have been heard and that our God was taking care of him.
I prayed so much that God would surround Donovan with a host of angels to protect him. I realized that that prayer was answered not only with heavenly angels watching over him, but also in the form of so many amazing nurses and doctors immediately ready to give him exactly what he needs. They truly are God’s earthly angels here protecting these precious babies.
After Donovan was whisked away Avery sent pictures and videos as much as he could to keep me updated on what was happening. I was told they were coming back in the room – something that was my worst nightmare. – – When we met with a neonatologist a few weeks back, he gave us a rundown of what delivery would look like with Donovan’s CDH. He told us they would do everything they possibly could to help, but if he wasn’t responding then they would bring him back into the room for Avery and I to hold him for his time he had here. – – So my heart sank when they said they were coming back in. Thank the Lord this wasn’t the scenario I was dreading. They wheeled him in his little incubator. I could reach my hand in and touch his sweet soft skin and tell him again how much I loved him. Then, he was whisked away again.
Thanks to an amazing nurse and my mom tag teaming to get me going, I got to go down and see him one more time in the NICU at UW as they prepared to get him stable enough for transfer to Seattle Children’s. We prayed a blessing over him with Kendy, one of the pastors of our church, then Avery and I got to stay for a bit and love on our son for the first time together.
I started to feel dizzy and nauseous and had to head back up to the room. After some food, rest and a bath I was ready to discharge exactly 6 hours after delivery! (Something I look back at now and realize how crazy that is!) My parents drove me over to Children’s to see Donovan. Once Avery heard I was on my way, he was able to get them to wait on ECMO just a little longer so I could see him one more time before he was further sedated. Again, he stared so intensely into our eyes, as if to say, “I got this mommy.” I wish so badly that I could see them staring at me again.
The rest of that day was a complete blur as I tried to figure out how to recover myself – too flooded with emotions to sleep, yet completely exhausted. All I wanted to do was be with Donovan or cry. I began learning the ins-and-outs of pumping and thankfully, was having a lot of success. It felt like the most mommy-ish thing I was able to do for him.
The following few days really have all meshed together. I spend my days on a constant timer, making sure to pump every 3 hours, then trying to make sense of my new world here in the NICU in between. I am constantly torn between taking the time to go eat or get a little bit of rest, and going to see Donovan. It is so incredibly hard to not be with him all the time. Then when I am with him it is so hard to not be able to hold him and love on him. I hardly know what is ok to touch on him for fear of bumping a tube or wire somewhere. I want to talk to him so badly, but don’t know what to say. It absolutely kills me to not know how to love on him. As each day passes though, we are getting more comfortable and acquainted with his tubes and wires, and are getting more and more comfortable talking to him, singing songs, and reading to him. It is a strange feeling though, to be loving on your son as intimately as you can, but to never be able to just be alone and quiet with him. In his room there is a nurse (most often two when there’s someone training) that is specifically assigned to the ECMO machine. Then there is an additional bedside nurse that monitors all of Donovan’s other vitals and machines.
It is incredible to me to see what he has endured already. He is so strong and truly is a fighter. I am so unbelievably proud to be his momma.
I cannot end this post without saying how immensely thankful I am to have such an amazing husband and family to walk through all of this with. There are no words big enough to explain my gratitude for how they have carried me through each day. I can already feel Avery and I have grown more in our partnership in the last four days than we have in our entire year of marriage. We are learning how to be a team, and are just so in love with our new little family we’ve created. My mom – I am brought to tears to think about the amount of sacrifice and love that she has poured out of herself to do anything and everything possible to make this process easier for me and for Avery. From the day we found out Donovan’s diagnosis she has completely stopped her whole world to make sure I/we had everything we needed. And on top of being such a wonderful mother, she is also an excellent labor and delivery nurse. I could not have done it without her strength pulling me through. I can only hope to be a mommy like that to Donovan.
And everyone else- Avery’s parents, my dad and sister… when you walk through something like this, having people that are surrounding you in love and pouring themselves out to help in any way possible is amazing in and of itself. I have always known I was blessed with a great family, and an AMAZING set of bonus-parents/in-laws, but it has been a huge silver lining in the midst of this storm to be able to deepen those relationships even more.
And I know the support hasn’t stopped there – there are endless amounts of other family members and friends, and even friends of friends who have come along side us to support us in actions, in words, in prayer, and so many other ways. I see all the support flooding in from everywhere on facebook and caring bridge, and through texts and everything else and it is so humbling to me. God is answering prayers and sending comfort and peace through all of the ways you all have been supporting us. Thank you just doesn’t seem like enough.
Donovan's Diary 